My take on "So...When you gonna have kids?"

I can't get this article out of my head. I think I have read it ten times already wondering if there is anything I can add to it. So I thought I would share my thoughts and story.

Brad and I got married when I was 19 and he was almost 24. I think this is pretty typical in Utah. After 6 months I decided my body was done gaining weight and being an emotional wreck due to birth control so I stopped taking it. I thought for sure I would become pregnant in a few short months. So naive... Or hopeful?

After a year of nothing, at my "yearly" I asked my doctor if I should be concerned and if there was anything I could do to better prepare my body for pregnancy and any preliminary tests that could be done. He told me "you are twenty years old. Why are you worrying about getting pregnant?" STOP right there! Obviously I knew something wasn't right, and maybe if he would have listened to my concerns and not taken them so lightly I would have started testing a little earlier and avoided years of emotional pain. But I didn't. I went on with my life thinking maybe it really just isn't time...

Shortly after that I got a phone call from my younger sister who was in tears and terrified and slowly broke the news to me that she was pregnant. We both were bawling over the phone especially when she said, "I'm sorry I did this to you. I know being pregnant is what you have wanted for a long time." I tried to help her as much as I could. In short, I tried to understand.   I was very bitter towards her (even though I tried to hide it as best I could). I haven't even told her this and really need to ask her forgiveness! (Sorry for keeping this from you Ness! ... Love you!!!) So I tried my best to support her and to love my soon to be nephew. I focused my energy into throwing her a baby shower. I felt like serving her was the best way for me to show my love and support and think of her pregnancy in a positive way. And it helped. And so was the story for each person that got pregnant after her.

We moved to Arizona that fall and in our new ward everyone we hung out with had experienced fertility problems. I am so grateful for the comfort I received from those who had gone through what I was going through. This was a pretty emotional time in my life anyways, being away from the life I had known, but every time I found out someone was pregnant I would have an emotional breakdown. I couldn't help it but to think why them and not me?

I hated meeting new people and going to gatherings because without fail I would be asked, "so how long have you guys been married?" Followed by... "That's a long time... When are you going to have kids?" OR a conversation with newlyweds... "I'm going to go off birth control in {fill in the month} and hope to be pregnant by {fill in the next month}. BAH! If only it was that easy...

I felt left out. I couldn't go to play dates, exercise groups, trips to Phoenix, lunches, etc. that all the moms get to do together. I've seriously considered blocking people from my social media accounts who are pregnant or have babies because the ten million pictures of your child and your pregnant belly and your status' that start with "to all the moms out there..." - really don't make me feel all that great. But I haven't. So if one day I start posting constant belly pictures and a constant feed of photos of my child on anything BUT my personal blog CALL ME OUT on it. I don't wanna become a hypocrite.

At church there are like 4 nurseries so babies are always present. Babies are always the topic of conversation. And at least 5 people are always pregnant (you may think I'm joking, but I'm not). Talk about a constant reminder. Mother's Day has never been so hard for me. Especially being called a "wanna-be" mom. OUCH. It's ok I'm over it.. Kind of...

And one day this year brad was finally asked The Question. Finally He could understand how awkward it is to try to answer and how absolutely terrible it makes you feel. How not a part of the culture we are to have been married for 5 years with no children. He came home that night and as we were talking he came up with THE best answer to The Question....

"We are actually looking for a surrogate would you be willing?"

Of course I never actually respond that way but it would be hilarious to do it sometime... I don't know that men understand how much it hurts to experience infertility as much as women do. I know that times are changing, and some may disagree with me on this, but it's culture. They aren't taught since they are 3 how to hold a baby, how to be a good mommy, etc. They don't go to church and have a lesson on anything and have it turn into a lesson on being a better mother.

I HATE The Question more than anything. I hate being reminded that I am different. I hate being reminded that I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying child, that I don't have to lose baby weight, that I don't have to change diapers or get spit up on my clothes. I want to do all of that! I welcome it with open arms!

I HATE hearing people who pop kids out like its nothing tell me that "my time will come". Seriously I would rather you not say anything at all and change the subject than to tell me "my time will come". Because I can assure you that 250% of the time tears follow those 4 words (along with a complete breakdown once I get home). I know you are trying to comfort me, but really just DO NOT say that to me!!!

Now I hope I'm not coming off bitter because I'm truly not...anymore. I used to be, but I like to think I have changed. The Question still hurts though and I hope you can see why. I hope that the article floating around Facebook has given you a new perspective and that next time you want to ask The Question you won't. You will wait for the other person to start talking about having children before you ask a completely inappropriate question. That you remember that WHEN a couple is going to have children is their business. NOT anyone else's. That if someone trusts you enough and considers you a friend they will invite you into their world of hurt and share their concerns and their feelings with you. They will look to you for comfort and sometimes even for help. Let them know that you are there for them (not that you know how they feel... Unless you actually do know). Invite them to as many activities as possible so that they don't feel even more left out than they already are. Get to know them and try to escape your home and children every once in a while for a date night or a girls night... Girls nights are amazing... In case you have forgotten...

I have learned that I need to love this time that I get with my husband because I know I will be a mom one day. I don't want to look back and remember the "non-parenting" years of my life as sad, terrible and bitter days. I want to look back at them and see how much fun we have had just the two of us together. How much fun we have spoiling our sweet Rox (who is just as much a child to me as your non-furry child is to you). How I was able to support our family throughout college and grad school. How much prep time I have gotten to be able to be the best mother I can be once our sweet children join our family. We have a lot of heart ache and unanswered questions ahead of us, so please make it easier on us and those around you who you may not know are struggling with infertility... And Don't ask The Question!