CrUiSiN 2014: Grand Cayman

Grand Cayman was all about the white sandy beach, snorkeling and opening up a bank account... jk about the bank account, although Brad considered it the ENTIRE trip. Ha.  There wasn't much coral, but we did see a few colorful fish and a giant school of fish.  It kind of freaks me out when I'm in the water and helpless heaven forbid they were to touch me. Nevertheless, I have a fish for a husband who loves snorkeling.  So I can either be bored on the beach or making memories with him.  Have I told you how we went snorkeling like 3 times a day EVERY day on our honeymoon in Hawaii??? There's really only so much snorkeling a girl with long hair can do... I think it might be time to get scuba certified.

CrUiSiN 2014: Cozumel

In Cozumel we rented a jeep and drove around the island.  We stopped for coconuts and some original oceanside mexican food and bottled coke.  It was delicious! We decided to go to the Mayan ruins that are on Cozumel.  They were pretty neat, I've never been to any so it was really cool to see them and explore a little bit!

CrUiSiN 2014 - Jamaica

We went to Blue Hole which was a secluded lush, fresh water paradise.  We had a little Jamaican tour guide who wasn't afraid of anything.  We were cliff jumping, going under the waterfall, walking down the waterfall and then jumping off, rope swinging and just enjoying the nature of Jamaica.  

Our taxi man took us to his make out spot (very last picture).  He also taught us about the "Rum Face" and that he isn't afraid to shout that out at the Rum Faces.  We got fresh coconuts and Jamaican jerk chicken that was to die for.  Definitely our favorite day of the cruise!

Ashlee's Little Man Shower

 Ashlee's "Little Man" Baby Shower

I had soooo much fun going all out with this little man theme that has been ever so popular.  The pictures just don't do it justice! 

Food: Caesar Chicken sandwiches on Pretzel Rolls

Artichoke Dip with Green Chilis

Bowtie Pasta Salad

Veggies

Drinks: Orange Crush

Water in Mason Jars (can't get enough of those either!)

Dessert: Cake Pops 

Chocolate Cupcakes

Pina Colada Cupcakes

(Thanks Jill!!)

 

 Decorations: 

Mustache, Bowtie and Tie Streamers

I bought a mini mustache and tie cookie cutters from Hobby Lobby and used them as my stencil.  They worked so well!

PomPoms

Balloons 

Tie Banner

Baby Clothes Clothesline in appropriate shower colors! (I guess I'm a little OCD)

Pendant Banner made from a super cute Little Man scrapbook pack from Hobby Lobby

Mustache Burlap Runners for Food Layout and Table

Games: 

Guess Who?

(Thanks Jessica)

Jess found out silly things that Ashlee and Chris did as kids and we had to guess who it was.  

Everyone got a good laugh. 

Don't Say Cute! 

I collected my husband's and my dad's ties and gave one to each guest.  If they said cute, someone else could steal their tie vice versa.  I love this game at showers. 

FAVORS: Chocolate Mustaches on a Stick

(Thanks Heidi)

They were delicious and so fitting!

The Mommy to Be

Brad's a Grad!!

Ugh.. I am so behind by like a year...

....Brad's Graduation....

The ceremony was held on Friday, May 10th at 7:30 p.m. at Centennial Hall. Both of our parents were able to make it. It was so nice to have them both here! We went to dinner at Old Pueblo Grill and then headed to the graduation.

The class chosen speakers were amazing. They joked about things that only law school kids would understand and talked about how their loved ones invested so much into them going to law school and deserve a return on their investment. A big AMEN to that one! :)

It's interesting how much these past three years have dictated our every move and our future. Law school is intense - and I was just a bystander. But Bradley handled it very well. He truly wanted to learn and to become an attorney. He always gave it his all and in the end everything has paid off. We have truly been blessed and are so grateful. Grateful for the time we were able to spend together. Grateful that I was able to put him through school. Grateful for the lifelong friends we have made during our time here in Tucson. Grateful for the knowledge that Brad has received and worked for. Grateful for the many opportunities he was given to gain experience.

Well enough of that... Here are some pics from the day...

My take on "So...When you gonna have kids?"

I can't get this article out of my head. I think I have read it ten times already wondering if there is anything I can add to it. So I thought I would share my thoughts and story.

Brad and I got married when I was 19 and he was almost 24. I think this is pretty typical in Utah. After 6 months I decided my body was done gaining weight and being an emotional wreck due to birth control so I stopped taking it. I thought for sure I would become pregnant in a few short months. So naive... Or hopeful?

After a year of nothing, at my "yearly" I asked my doctor if I should be concerned and if there was anything I could do to better prepare my body for pregnancy and any preliminary tests that could be done. He told me "you are twenty years old. Why are you worrying about getting pregnant?" STOP right there! Obviously I knew something wasn't right, and maybe if he would have listened to my concerns and not taken them so lightly I would have started testing a little earlier and avoided years of emotional pain. But I didn't. I went on with my life thinking maybe it really just isn't time...

Shortly after that I got a phone call from my younger sister who was in tears and terrified and slowly broke the news to me that she was pregnant. We both were bawling over the phone especially when she said, "I'm sorry I did this to you. I know being pregnant is what you have wanted for a long time." I tried to help her as much as I could. In short, I tried to understand.   I was very bitter towards her (even though I tried to hide it as best I could). I haven't even told her this and really need to ask her forgiveness! (Sorry for keeping this from you Ness! ... Love you!!!) So I tried my best to support her and to love my soon to be nephew. I focused my energy into throwing her a baby shower. I felt like serving her was the best way for me to show my love and support and think of her pregnancy in a positive way. And it helped. And so was the story for each person that got pregnant after her.

We moved to Arizona that fall and in our new ward everyone we hung out with had experienced fertility problems. I am so grateful for the comfort I received from those who had gone through what I was going through. This was a pretty emotional time in my life anyways, being away from the life I had known, but every time I found out someone was pregnant I would have an emotional breakdown. I couldn't help it but to think why them and not me?

I hated meeting new people and going to gatherings because without fail I would be asked, "so how long have you guys been married?" Followed by... "That's a long time... When are you going to have kids?" OR a conversation with newlyweds... "I'm going to go off birth control in {fill in the month} and hope to be pregnant by {fill in the next month}. BAH! If only it was that easy...

I felt left out. I couldn't go to play dates, exercise groups, trips to Phoenix, lunches, etc. that all the moms get to do together. I've seriously considered blocking people from my social media accounts who are pregnant or have babies because the ten million pictures of your child and your pregnant belly and your status' that start with "to all the moms out there..." - really don't make me feel all that great. But I haven't. So if one day I start posting constant belly pictures and a constant feed of photos of my child on anything BUT my personal blog CALL ME OUT on it. I don't wanna become a hypocrite.

At church there are like 4 nurseries so babies are always present. Babies are always the topic of conversation. And at least 5 people are always pregnant (you may think I'm joking, but I'm not). Talk about a constant reminder. Mother's Day has never been so hard for me. Especially being called a "wanna-be" mom. OUCH. It's ok I'm over it.. Kind of...

And one day this year brad was finally asked The Question. Finally He could understand how awkward it is to try to answer and how absolutely terrible it makes you feel. How not a part of the culture we are to have been married for 5 years with no children. He came home that night and as we were talking he came up with THE best answer to The Question....

"We are actually looking for a surrogate would you be willing?"

Of course I never actually respond that way but it would be hilarious to do it sometime... I don't know that men understand how much it hurts to experience infertility as much as women do. I know that times are changing, and some may disagree with me on this, but it's culture. They aren't taught since they are 3 how to hold a baby, how to be a good mommy, etc. They don't go to church and have a lesson on anything and have it turn into a lesson on being a better mother.

I HATE The Question more than anything. I hate being reminded that I am different. I hate being reminded that I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying child, that I don't have to lose baby weight, that I don't have to change diapers or get spit up on my clothes. I want to do all of that! I welcome it with open arms!

I HATE hearing people who pop kids out like its nothing tell me that "my time will come". Seriously I would rather you not say anything at all and change the subject than to tell me "my time will come". Because I can assure you that 250% of the time tears follow those 4 words (along with a complete breakdown once I get home). I know you are trying to comfort me, but really just DO NOT say that to me!!!

Now I hope I'm not coming off bitter because I'm truly not...anymore. I used to be, but I like to think I have changed. The Question still hurts though and I hope you can see why. I hope that the article floating around Facebook has given you a new perspective and that next time you want to ask The Question you won't. You will wait for the other person to start talking about having children before you ask a completely inappropriate question. That you remember that WHEN a couple is going to have children is their business. NOT anyone else's. That if someone trusts you enough and considers you a friend they will invite you into their world of hurt and share their concerns and their feelings with you. They will look to you for comfort and sometimes even for help. Let them know that you are there for them (not that you know how they feel... Unless you actually do know). Invite them to as many activities as possible so that they don't feel even more left out than they already are. Get to know them and try to escape your home and children every once in a while for a date night or a girls night... Girls nights are amazing... In case you have forgotten...

I have learned that I need to love this time that I get with my husband because I know I will be a mom one day. I don't want to look back and remember the "non-parenting" years of my life as sad, terrible and bitter days. I want to look back at them and see how much fun we have had just the two of us together. How much fun we have spoiling our sweet Rox (who is just as much a child to me as your non-furry child is to you). How I was able to support our family throughout college and grad school. How much prep time I have gotten to be able to be the best mother I can be once our sweet children join our family. We have a lot of heart ache and unanswered questions ahead of us, so please make it easier on us and those around you who you may not know are struggling with infertility... And Don't ask The Question!

5 years ago..

I cannot believe it has been five years since the man of my dreams asked me to marry him.  Where has the time gone?  What a fun and amazing night that was... April 5, 2008.  It was General Conference weekend and the men were all at the priesthood meeting.  Tiffany, Lacey and I planned to go shopping and then we were meeting a HUGE group at Applebees for dinner.  Tiff, Lacey and I went to Hobby Lobby - probably when my addiction started and we all decided to get a big letter of our last name -- Tiff got a B, Lacey got and H and I... well I didn't know what to get.  They talked me into getting a T for my "soon to be" last name.  I thought Brad is for sure going to think I am crazy.  He hasn't even proposed and I'm buying the letter of his last name to hang in a home that we don't even live in... Little did I know Tiff and Lacey were probably dying inside because they knew what was going to happen that night.

We met everyone at Applebees - Bradley, my sister, Hicks, Mills, Darren, Tiff and Ryan, Nate and Nikki, Lacey and Jason.  We ate dinner and everyone - especially Brad was very anxious to get out of there and go to my house and watch a movie.  Brad suggested that we watch the Notebook or a scary movie. One of Brad's friends, trying to make things difficult for him, tried to talk everyone into watching a scary movie... I was all for it. I love scary movies!

Well dinner was over and we all headed back to my parents house to watch this movie.  My first hint should have been that my parents, nor my siblings would leave the basement.  I remember I kept complaining that there were married people in the room and we were all grown ups... They wouldn't listen and we got the movie started - The Notebook.  We were all snuggled up when all of a sudden - and all at the same time - Brad's parents walk in, my sister whips out the video camera, and Brad and Hicks pop onto the screen!  The on-screen Brad tells me why he loves me and that the Brad in real life has something he wanted to ask me... and before I know it there are a dozen roses, a ring and Brad is on one knee proposing to me.

I had dreamed of this day since I was a little girl and it was completely perfect.  We were surrounded by family and friends who supported and loved us and we had each other.  We would soon be married for time and all eternity.  Nothing else in the world mattered. Or so we thought... oh the joys of planning a wedding :)

It's funny how while you are dating you can't wait to be engaged.  And when you are engaged you can't wait to be married. And when you're married for almost 5 years you look back and think about how amazing it was dating and getting to know your spouse and having to say good night at the end of the night and wishing so badly that you could spend the night with them.  How amazing the anticipation was of your futures together, the great things that would come, the struggles you would have to work through and all of the time you would get to spend together.  I think that sometimes life becomes so mundane - especially when you spend more time away from home than you do at home that these special things are forgotten.  There's probably no better feeling than being together.  I still LOVE cuddling with my Bradley, but I need to do better at remembering how special our relationship is.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.  After 5 years of it being just us, I've really gotten to know and depend on that amazing man of mine.

I think the best feeling came the next day when I was snuggling up to Brad while we watched conference.  He was holding my hand and couldn't stop playing with the ring on my finger.  Neither of us could believe it was real and here we are 5 years later.